My father died recently. He passed away without reconciling with me, without even telling me he was sick. For most of my life, we were estranged—not by my choice, but by his. My efforts to reconnect were met with silence, rejection, or brief moments of civility that ultimately led nowhere. Over the years, I asked myself the same unanswerable questions countless times: Why didn’t he want me in his life? What did I do wrong? Could I have tried harder?
Now that he’s gone, those questions remain, but so does a new one: How do I find peace when there’s no opportunity for closure?
Writing this series of articles is part of my attempt to understand and heal. I know I’m not alone in this experience. Research shows that estrangement between parents and children is more common than most of us realize, yet it’s a topic steeped in silence and shame. For those who’ve lived through it, the pain is deeply personal, but the patterns—why parents disengage, how it impacts children, and what healing looks like—are painfully universal.
In this first article, I’ll explore the reasons why parents disengage from their children. It’s not an attempt to excuse the behavior, but to better understand it. Because understanding is, I believe, the first step toward healing—not just for me, but for anyone navigating the scars of estrangement.
The Invisible Threads of Estrangement
Estrangement doesn’t usually happen overnight. More often, it’s the culmination of small fractures in the parent-child relationship, compounded by unresolved pain, mental health challenges, or dysfunctional family systems. According to a study from the University of Cambridge, about 27% of estranged parent-child relationships result from cumulative family conflict, while 24% arise from mismatched expectations or values.
Yet, the child’s perspective is often focused on one question: How could they walk away? To begin answering this, we need to consider the factors that might lead a parent to disengage.
1. Mental Health Struggles and Emotional Overwhelm
One of the most significant contributors to parental disengagement is untreated mental health issues. Conditions such as bipolar disorder, depression, or personality disorders can impair a parent’s ability to connect emotionally with their child. For example:
- Bipolar disorder: A parent experiencing extreme mood swings may oscillate between emotional engagement and detachment, creating an unpredictable and unsafe dynamic for the child.
- Narcissistic traits: A parent with narcissistic tendencies may view their child not as an individual but as an extension of themselves. When the child fails to meet their expectations, the parent may disengage rather than confront their disappointment.
In some cases, mental health struggles create a sense of emotional overwhelm in the parent. Instead of addressing their feelings—or the harm their actions cause—they retreat. Avoidance becomes a coping mechanism, leaving the child to wonder if they were ever truly seen or valued.
2. Unresolved Trauma and the Generational Cycle
Many parents who disengage carry the weight of unresolved trauma from their own childhoods. Research into adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) has shown that people with a history of abuse, neglect, or abandonment are more likely to struggle with emotional regulation and attachment later in life. This often plays out in their relationships with their children.
In essence, these parents are caught in a cycle:
- Fear of vulnerability: Having been hurt themselves, they may see emotional closeness as a threat.
- Projection of trauma: Instead of addressing their pain, they project it onto their child, who becomes a scapegoat for their unresolved feelings.
This dynamic is particularly common in families with histories of addiction, abuse, or rigid power structures. The parent may repeat the patterns of neglect or disengagement they experienced, even if they consciously desire to break the cycle.
3. Divorce, Custody Battles, and the Legacy of Bitterness
Divorce is one of the most common triggers for parental estrangement, particularly when the separation is acrimonious. In high-conflict divorces, children can become pawns in a battle between parents. Over time, one parent may disengage—whether due to resentment, guilt, or the strain of maintaining the relationship under such circumstances.
This is especially true in cases involving parental alienation, where one parent intentionally undermines the child’s relationship with the other. For the alienated parent, the repeated rejection or lack of access may lead them to give up entirely, believing the relationship is beyond repair.
4. Favoritism and the Family System
In families with multiple children, favoritism often plays a role in estrangement. A parent may bond more closely with one child, leaving the others feeling neglected or rejected. Psychologists note that favoritism is rarely a conscious decision; instead, it arises from the parent’s own insecurities, preferences, or unfulfilled desires.
In some cases, a parent may disengage from a child they see as “difficult” or “challenging,” while pouring their energy into a child who embodies qualities they value—such as compliance, academic success, or athletic achievement. The overlooked child becomes a symbol of the parent’s own perceived failures, leading to further emotional distancing.
5. Shame, Pride, and the Fear of Reconciliation
For some parents, disengagement is driven by shame. They may recognize, on some level, that they’ve harmed their child or failed to meet their responsibilities—but instead of making amends, they retreat. Confronting their shortcomings feels too painful, and pride becomes a barrier to reconciliation.
Psychologist Joshua Coleman, in his book Rules of Estrangement, emphasizes that many parents develop a self-protective narrative to justify their actions. This narrative may include:
- Blaming the child: “They don’t respect me, so why should I try?”
- Minimizing the relationship: “They’re an adult now; they don’t need me.”
- Denial of harm: “I did my best. If they’re upset, that’s their problem.”
These narratives allow the parent to avoid accountability but leave the child in a state of confusion and heartbreak.
6. Societal and Cultural Pressures
Finally, societal and cultural expectations can influence a parent’s decision to disengage. In some cultures, children are expected to show deference to their parents no matter the circumstances. If a child challenges this norm—by asserting boundaries or questioning the parent’s behavior—the parent may view it as disrespect and choose to withdraw.
In Western cultures, by contrast, there’s often an emphasis on individualism and self-fulfillment. A parent may feel justified in prioritizing their own needs or happiness over the relationship with their child, especially if they believe the child’s behavior is “difficult.”
The Unspoken Pain of Disengagement
While the reasons for disengagement vary, the pain it leaves behind is universal. For the child, estrangement often feels like a rejection of their very being. For the parent, it may be an act of self-preservation, driven by fear, shame, or unresolved trauma.
Understanding these dynamics doesn’t excuse the harm, but it can provide a framework for making sense of the senseless. Parental disengagement is rarely about a single event; it’s about the unseen layers of a person’s history, psychology, and relationships.
What Comes Next?
For those seeking answers, the journey to understanding often begins with acknowledging that estrangement is rarely the child’s fault. Parents make choices based on their own limitations and struggles—choices that, while painful, often have little to do with the worthiness or loveability of the child.
In the next article, we’ll explore the emotional impact of estrangement on adult children. How do you heal when the person you needed most has walked away? And is closure ever truly possible?
